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by Davechicken



Series: Kylux - Fluff & Angst [230]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-26 00:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10775892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Kylo runs away.





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**Author's Note:**

> Suicidal ideation, depression, depersonalisation, disassociation.

People seem to think that Kylo is at his worst when he’s destroying things, but those people don’t know him at all. The rage of disappointment is one thing, but much worse is the silence. It’s when everything becomes so much that literally _everything is gone_. 

He could slice open his hand and feel nothing, just a distant interest in looking at the bones and sinews. He could press controls and fly the whole ship into the nearest star to immolate them all. Everything feels as possible as the next thing, because there’s no consequence, no… reaction.

He wonders why he doesn’t just do it. Condemn the whole lot of them to the Force, for it to do with as it sees fit. To snuff himself out in the light of the dark, or to - what? 

Kylo feels nothing, and only the distant, academic knowledge that he ‘shouldn’t do things keeps him from acting on the faintest impulses towards self-destruction.

It hurts too much to feel. It hurts too much to think. He’d down a whole bottle if it would make the world fade away for a while, but it’s all he can do to remember to breathe, to walk. Any time he tries to get close to it, his attention skitters away like oil on water. 

He’s… he’s failed. He’s useless. He’s…

His body is too big for this, but he still finds an out-of-the-way place, deep in the bowels of the _Finalizer_. Tucks himself in like a child in a smuggling compartment, pretending the galaxy can’t find him if it can’t see him (even if the galaxy knows all the nooks and crannies he could ever find). The metal strut pressing into his hip is painful, but he relishes it, in a way. It reminds him that he actually _is_ alive, that he is here.

The ship hums, under his ass and thighs. A rumble like a big beast breathing, and Kylo tries to let it soothe him. To pretend he’s held tight, to pretend the craft somehow cares about him. It’s as immovable and unmoved as the very stars themselves.

Or… all but one. One eaten by a weapon, and spat back into space.

He hears the footsteps (heel clip, ball roll) across the deck plates, and he waits as still as he can. Hux always finds him, eventually, no matter how hard he tries to hide. He’s learned, and nothing Kylo can do will ever keep him away.

 _I fucked up_.

Hux stands, hands clasped behind his back, looking away from him. Facing in the same direction that Kylo is, looking where he’d look, if he lifted his head. 

He says nothing for long stretches, and Kylo thinks briefly about wiping the memory of him, just for a while. Making Hux wander off, and leave him. Everyone would be better off without him. Everyone would–

“Is there anything I can do?” Hux asks.  


Kill me. Shoot me. Shout at me. Tell me I’m useless. Tell me I’m pathetic, childish, immature, incapable, irresponsible. Get _angry_ with me. Don’t _pity_ me.

Kylo doesn’t answer.

“If you need to be away from me, I… understand. But… you don’t need to, for me. I would like to spend time with you.”  


“Not like this, you wouldn’t.”  


Hux turns, then, his head looking over his shoulder. “You don’t speak for what I do, and do not want.”

“Hux, I’m– you should just go.”  


“I know you want me to, to prove you’re right. I know you want me to give up, and go away, but… I won’t. You need me, right now, and no amount of pushing me away will make me stop caring about you.”  


“Why?” he asks, lifting his head, clawing at his knee. “Why? I’m useless. And I’ll just depress you.”  


“It’s true I won’t be happy whilst you’re not, but I would rather be unhappy _with_ you, than happy alone.”  


Kylo pushes his mask into the bulkhead, making the pressure so hard he can feel the edges of it bite into his face. He wants to _scream_ , but he can’t. He wants to stop existing, but not… not to end himself, simply to just not-be. He…

“I don’t know how to make it stop.” He doesn’t. He’s tried so hard, for so, so long.  


“You don’t always feel like this.”  


“But I _keep_ feeling like this.”  


“But you don’t always, meaning there’s times you feel better. If… I knew how to make it so you never felt this way, I would do it,” Hux tells him. “But until then, I’ll just try to help you get through each time.”  


“What if I always end up like this?”  


“You’ll always pull through, too,” Hux insists, his jaw twitching. “No one feels good all the time, Kylo. No one who feels. Now… if you need to be here, we can stay here. If you’d like to come back home with me, we can either distract you, or you can curl up in bed with me while I work from home. If you want to talk, we talk. If you want to just curl up in my arms, we do that.”  


“You’ll get angry with me.”  


“Angry _for_ you, not _with_ you,” Hux corrects him, a little clipped.   


Kylo’s had to learn that the tone he employs isn’t a criticism, even if he feels it, first, as if it is. 

He’s embarrassed by the fact he’s hiding like a child, but he sees… he sees hurt on Hux’s face. Concern. _Care_.

Awkwardly, he slides his feet down to the ground. He doesn’t feel good, or right, or… fixed, but the fact that Hux hurts _for_ him… makes it a little easier to cope. 

Instead of a thank you, he presses his mask to Hux’s forehead, and then tries to pull his body-language back together for long enough to get to safety.

A hand grazes his waist, his back, and there’s a sharp little nod. People mistake Hux’s stern expression for heartlessness, but it’s anything but. He feels too deeply, too, but instead of hiding his face, he barks to distract people.

Kylo isn’t sure what will help today, but he thinks that cuddling will be a good start. They can work it out. They can, because Hux wants to. Even at Kylo’s most dangerous: when he runs away from those he loves.

That’s when he’s at his worst. That’s when you should be afraid. That’s when you should _follow_.


End file.
